


When the Mind and Body Don't Match

by Elri (angelrider13)



Series: Tears and Blood Make a Peace Hard Won [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Dysphoria, Female SI/OC as Male Canon Character, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Identity Issues, SI/OC, SI/OC as Canon Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelrider13/pseuds/Elri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up in a boy’s body is not at all what she expected. Predictably, it sets the tone for her second life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, fair warning, pronouns are a bit mixed up here. When things are from Itachi's POV, we're using "she/her" and when things are from everyone else's POV, we're using "he/him". I did not mix up the pronouns - this is totally on purpose.
> 
> That said, the switch might be a bit jarring, I'm giving you guys a heads up.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Her name is Uchiha Itachi and she is the son of the Clan Head Uchiha Fugaku and his wife, Mikoto.

Except that she isn’t.

She isn’t a boy and her name isn’t Uchiha Itachi and she doesn’t _want_ it to be. She watched and read that story and she wants nothing to do with this particular role, thank you very much.

But she doesn’t get much say in the matter.

Everyone calls her Itachi, everyone calls her a boy, and as a toddler, she doesn’t have the right words to correct them. And even if she did, what was she supposed to say?

She doesn’t want anything to do with this clan, with this story, with this _life_.

She wants to go back.

Back to _her_ family, _her_ life.

At the very least, she wants to go back to being dead.

She doesn’t remember much about it other than darkness and sleep and peace, but whatever it is, it has to better than whatever staying here will lead to.

She knows this story.

Knows the role Itachi plays in it.

And she knows with all her heart that it is not something she can pull off – nor is it something she _wants_ to.

She’s terrified of what this means and in her tiny body, that terror translates the same way her grief does: lots of tears and screaming. She misses her family, still sees that last horrible moment every time she closes her eyes, every time she stops long enough to think. And if she isn’t thinking about them, she’s think about Itachi’s life. Her new life. A life she has somehow been given or taken. She doesn’t know, but she doesn’t want it.

As with many things in this new life of hers, she isn’t given a choice.

* * *

 

Mikoto is worried.

Itachi is already one and he acts nothing like she expected a baby too. He alternates between listless silence and horrible, heart wrenching sobbing.

She’s taken her son to see doctors and specialists and none of them can give her an answer. Physically, Itachi is perfectly fine. They can’t find anything wrong. But Mikoto thinks of bright red eyes glazed with tears and knows better. There is something wrong with her son and she has no idea what.

He’s only a year old and Mikoto knows that he’s already seen too much.

What she doesn’t know is _how_.

How her little boy could possibly know such horrors when he wasn’t even an hour old. Fugaku had poured over the clan archives for some kind of clue but had come back with nothing. There was no recorded mention of an Uchiha being born with Sharingan already active, let alone the Mangekyō Sharingan.

And yet.

Mikoto had wanted to keep it quiet, but as Clan Head, Fugaku had a duty to report such things to the Elders. So, naturally, the entire clan knows. Her stomach twists uncomfortably at the whispers about her son, about how he is already the pride of the clan, about how he will be the best of them.

He’s a baby.

A tiny, untrained, soft baby.

Not for the first time, Mikoto finds herself wondering at the clan’s priorities. Yes, they are a prominent shinobi clan. Yes, that skews priorities slightly. But this is the first time she’s experiencing it from the point of view of a mother.

She does not like it.

Itachi is in one of his calmer moods at the moment, lying on the floor and staring blankly at the ceiling. She sighs, jolting slightly when her son’s head turns towards the sound. She watches as he blinks, face scrunching up and she braces herself for the latest round of screaming. Instead, Itachi rolls over and pushes himself up on hands and knees and crawls over to her. When he reaches her, he sits back on the ground and stares up at her for a long moment.

Mikoto doesn’t dare breathe, doesn’t dare do anything that will trigger her son’s tears. He’s only a year old and he’s already cried far too much.

Then, to her infinite surprise, Itachi raises his arms in a gesture that – if her son were any other child – means he wants to be picked up.

Mikoto stares at him.

Her son has lived his first year of life shying away from human contact. He screams when he is picked up, squirming and thrashing until he is put down again.

Itachi frowns up at her when she doesn’t move, waving his arms to emphasize what he wants.

Hesitantly, she picks him up, holding him close. Itachi nods to himself and pats her cheeks with tiny hands.

“Kaa,” he says, calm and easy and…pleased?

Mikoto feels tears burn her eyes and Itachi’s face scrunches up in confusion.

“Kaa?”

Mikoto makes a choked sound and pulls her son against her. To her endless relief, Itachi lets her, his tiny arms wrapping around her as best they can. He makes a questioning sound even as he presses closer.

“Everything is alright, Ita-chan,” she says, a helpless smile pulling at her lips, “Kaa-chan is just so happy.”

She feels Itachi nod against her and she wonders how much her son really understands. She doesn’t know what’s caused this, why Itachi has suddenly reached out, but she can only hope it lasts.

* * *

 

Uchiha Mikoto is not her mother.

She already has a mother and she doesn’t want another one. And she doesn’t think that is going to change any time soon. If ever.

But Uchiha Mikoto _is_ Itachi’s mother.

And as far as she knows, her son has shunned her his entire life, spending his time screaming at nothing or lying around listlessly.

She isn’t being fair.

She still doesn’t want anything to do with this life.

But she sees the frown that constantly pulls at Mikoto’s mouth and the worry that shines in her dark eyes.

And she feels guilty.

Mikoto isn’t the one who pulled her into this; she isn’t responsible for what’s happened. And yet she is punishing her. She’s pulled away from every touch, from every comfort, from the moment she woke up here. She didn’t want to be comforted, didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to deal with anything.

She still doesn’t.

But she isn’t the only one involved.

So she promises herself that she will unbend enough to let others in.

Mikoto and Fugaku are not her parents and will never be her parents, not really.

But they are Itachi’s parents.

And she has been so busy grieving for things she knows she can’t get back that she has denied them that.

No more.

* * *

 

Fugaku walks into the living room and freezes at the sight before him.

His wife and son are sitting on the floor playing with blocks. Mikoto is talking to him and interacting and Itachi is _responding_. They are building some kind of tower with the blocks and Itachi is smiling and participating and babbling nonsensical answers to his mother’s cooed comments.

His breath hitches in his throat and his chest feels tight.

Then the block tower falls over and Itachi goes silent, blinking at the pile of toys. He can see the way Mikoto braces herself for the tears, for the screaming that has plagued this entire year and Fugaku finds himself holding his breath.

But then Itachi claps his hands together and _laughs_.

Mikoto stares at their son, eyes wet, and laughs along with him. She looks up and catches sight of him and smiles and he can see the relief, the hope in her expression and he feels his heart skip a beat. It’s been so long since Mikoto has smiled.

Itachi notices Mikoto’s look and turns towards him.

And then the most breathtaking, beautiful thing happens.

His son’s face lights up at the sight of him, his tiny mouth pulling into a smile as he scrambles, crawling over to him as fast as his little limbs will allow. Then he sits at his feet and reaches up to him.

“Tou!” he says.

Fugaku goes slowly to his knees before his child and leans down so that they are eye level with each other.

“Hello, Itachi,” he says, not caring that his voice is shaking or that his eyes are burning.

Itachi beams at him, tiny hands coming up to pat his cheeks.

“Tou,” he says again, firmly, nodding to himself before he leans in and wraps his arms around Fugaku as much as he can.

Fugaku freezes, eyes flying over to Mikoto. His wife is watching them with a smile, tears streaming down her cheeks and she mimes a hug. Very, very carefully, he wraps his arms around his son and pulls him into his lap and tries not to weep in pure relief when Itachi goes willingly, leaning into his hold instead of breaking down screaming.

Instead, his son snuggles closer and pats his chest and completely relaxes into his arms with a content hum.

He’s holding his son.

He’s holding his son and his son is letting him.

Mikoto has moved to sit beside them and is watching them both with a smile that he has seen so little of this past year but hasn’t left her face since he stepped into the room. Itachi stirs against him and reaches out to her.

“Kaa,” he says.

Mikoto laughs lightly. “I should hug too?” she asks.

Itachi nods with all the seriousness that an infant can and Mikoto wraps her arms around them both. Fugaku leans into her and basks in the warmth of his family.

His son’s voice, so quiet that he almost misses it, tears him from his thoughts.

“S’rry,” he says.

He blinks and trades looks with Mikoto before they both glance down at their son.

“Itachi?” Mikoto asks softly, smoothing a hand over his dark hair.

Itachi reaches out and wipes at the tear tracks on his mother’s cheek. “Sa’ no,” he says solemnly, “S’rry.”

Fugaku and Mikoto stare at their son in shock.

“Sa’ no,” he says again when they don’t reply.

Mikoto finds her voice first. “We aren’t sad, sweetie,” she says.

Itachi makes a noise of protest. “Sa’ no,” he repeats firmly.

“Okay, Itachi,” Fugaku says, “We won’t be sad.”

Mikoto looks at him helplessly and Fugaku knows that the same thoughts are running through her head.

How can he tell? How can Itachi understand what is happening? Or are they just reading too much into it?

But he thinks of red, red eyes and wonders.

“You won’t be sad either?” he asks, prodding, testing.

Itachi blinks at him in surprise before his face scrunches up in a pout.

“Ita-chan?” Mikoto asks when the boy stays silent.

Itachi looks at her and nods slowly and says very carefully, “Try.”

Mikoto smiles at him and kisses his forehead. “That’s all we ask, Ita-chan.”

And for the first time since Itachi was born, Fugaku hopes.


	2. Chapter 2

A large majority of her toys look like ninja tools.

Rubber shuriken.  Wooden kunai.

She has no illusions about her future. She knows she’s going to be a shinobi – she doesn’t have a choice in the matter. For all it was never actually addressed in canon, she knows that Itachi didn’t either.

Itachi was the son of the Clan Head of one of the Founding Shinobi Clans of a Shinobi Village and as much as she may not wish it, that same role is now hers. She’s come to terms with it. Mostly. The part about becoming a ninja anyway. The rest of it…she’ll cross that bridge when she gets to it.

For now, she chews on the rubber shuriken because her gums hurt and she’s tired of crying over everything. Though she now has a new understanding of the suffering teething infants go through – her mouth aches constantly and she only feels relief when she’s chewing on something. The best thing though, is when Mikoto puts a chilled spoon in her mouth and presses down gently on her gums. It’s heaven.

She is very glad that she doesn’t remember this from the first time around and she prays that her teeth finish coming in soon.

* * *

She hates baths.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

She likes baths, loves them even. Or at least she did Before. She still likes the way the warm water feels against her skin and how relaxing it can be. But it’s harder to enjoy that part now.

So it’s not so much that she hates baths; more like she hates being naked.

When she’s wearing clothes, when she’s covered, she can pretend. She can ignore the weight between her legs that’s not supposed to be there because she can’t see it. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. But during bath time, there’s nothing for her to hide behind, nothing she can use to protect herself from the knowledge that her body isn’t really _hers_.

And she _hates_ that.

So, in turn, bath time become something she hates as well.

Mikoto notices of course and asks her about it like any parent would. Not to say that she makes bath time difficult, but she becomes noticeably unhappy and given how the beginning of this life went, Itachi’s mother is reasonably concerned.

“What’s wrong, Ita-chan?” Mikoto asks as she glares down at her lap through the water.

She blinks and turns her eyes towards the woman, staring for a long moment, debating on what to say.

Finally, she says, “W’ong,” and points down at her lap.

Mikoto’s brow furrows in confusion. “Is something wrong with the water, sweetie? Is it too warm?”

She shakes her head. “I w’ong,” she says seriously, “No boy no.”

Mikoto’s confusion doesn't dissipate and her lips tug down at the corners. “What do you mean, Itachi?”

“I gul,” she says, “Like Kaa.”

Mikoto blinks and then, to her frustrated disappointment, the woman laughs. “No, no, silly, Ita-chan,” she says with a fond smile, “You’re a boy – like Tou-chan.”

She shakes her head because that’s wrong, because Mikoto doesn’t understand, because she’s _not_ a boy and never will be. Her eyes sting and her throat burns and she wants to scream in anger and disappointment. She pushes back the tears because she’s cried enough, damnit, and this is a ridiculous reason to start crying in the first place. She’s an infant, a toddler – of course Mikoto doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say. She doesn’t have the words to communicate what she means yet.

That doesn’t stop the betrayal that lances through her heart even as Mikoto tries to sooth her.

“It’s okay, Ita-chan,” Mikoto says, “You can still be like Kaa-chan if you want.”

That’s not what she wants.

She wants to be a girl and she knows that it isn’t Mikoto’s fault that she doesn’t understand. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s not. And yet.

She doesn’t bring it up again.

The next time Mikoto asks her what’s wrong at bath time, she simply shrugs and says, “No like baf.”

* * *

She doesn’t like the Elders.

Two of them came over for some reason or another; she didn’t care enough to pay attention. Fugaku is Clan Head and that meant meetings upon meetings upon meetings. They disappear into the study and she forgets they’re there, content to play games with Mikoto.

It’s when they leave and catch sight of her that she starts paying them any attention.

Because the way they are looking at her is…not how one looks at a child.

There is awe in gaze, curiosity and wonder. But there is also something that looks a little too much like hunger in their expressions.

“So this is little Itachi-kun, then,” one says, watching her with intense eyes.

She reaches for Mikoto without even thinking and the woman snatches her up, cradling her close to her chest as she rises to her feet, eyes hard and lips set in a displeased line. Fugaku, too, looks less than pleased.

“Yes, this is _my son_ ,” he says and she’d have to be deaf not to hear the emphasis there.

For the briefest of moments, she swears Fugaku’s eyes flash crimson.

The Elders startle, tearing their eyes away from her, smiles a little too kind to be genuine spreading across their faces.

“He’s wonderful, Fugaku-dono,” the other Elder says, “You must be proud.”

“I am,” Fugaku says shortly, “Now if that’s all, it’s getting rather late.”

The dismissal is clear.

“Of course, Fugaku-dono,” says the first Elder, “We won’t take up any more of your time.”

The pair of them bow and Fugaku sees them out.

“Fugaku,” Mikoto starts when he returns, her brow furrowed.

Fugaku releases a slow breath. “I know.”

She frowns as the tone. She doesn’t know enough about current politics to know what’s going on. The Uchiha aren’t already suffering so terribly that they need to pin their hopes on a toddler are they?

“You never should have told them about Itachi’s eyes,” Mikoto says, thought there is no heat in her voice.

Fugaku just tips his head in acknowledgement, expression resigned.

Her brow furrows. Her eyes? What about them? Why would anyon –

Oh.

_Oh._

She’s an Uchiha.

She’s an Uchiha, which means she has the Sharingan.

A power that was activated under emotionally stressful circumstances and an upgrade that came with witnessing the death of the person you loved most in the world.

She swallows at the implications.

“Tou?” she calls and she can’t quite keep the quiver out of her voice even as she holds out a hand for him, the other firmly anchored in Mikoto’s shirt.

Fugaku’s eyes soften and he takes her hand. “Everything’s alright, Itachi.”

Her fingers curl around his thumb as she nods. “No like,” she says.

Fugaku blinks before his lips curl up slightly. “I can’t say I like them very much either,” he agrees.

“Play?” she asks, hopeful. She doesn’t like what those Elders brought into the room, the grim shadow that entered Fugaku’s eyes or the stiff anger that entered Mikoto’s. She wants it gone.

“Yeah, Tou-chan,” Mikoto says, her voice light and her expression open again, “Play with us.”

Fugaku sighs, but there’s fond amusement in his expression.  “If I must.”

“Yes,” she says imperiously, making Mikoto laugh and a smile bloom on Fugaku’s face.

That’s better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to add a little note here about the Red Eyes of Doom, in case anyone was wondering about the way I've handled.
> 
> In canon, it's stated that they're activated under emotional stress and then upgraded when you kill the most important person to you. I've always found a flaw in this explanation because Itachi got Mangekyō as a result of Shisui's death, but Itachi didn't actually kill him - just watched him commit suicide. Now it's entirely possible that Itachi felt like he was the cause because he wasn't able to stop Shisui and that's what triggered the eyeball upgrade. But Itachi still never killed him.
> 
> So that's where the idea that witnessing the death of Most Important Person = Eyeball Upgrade.


End file.
